"I never get time for writing," moaned Sheila. "I spend all my time picking up after you. My life is so boring!"

"Huh," said Gareth. "Swap your problems for mine. I can't see them going away, ever. Sometimes I wish I was dead."

"That can be arranged," said Sheila. "All your problems are inside your head. So all I have to do is remove your head, right?" And she picked up a large, kitchen knife.

Luckily, Gareth managed to run away.

They were very kind at the secure mental hospital, and she had lots of time to write.

Reincarnation

"I want to be reincarnated as a cat," said Carlos, stroking the one on his knee. "One with properly trained humans, of course." Then he gently moved the cat to the chair beside him, and got on with mending his elderly neighbour's TV.

Somebody must have heard him. Perhaps the gods were pleased with his kindness to his neighbour. More likely, they just have a warped sense of humour.

Anyway, Carlos had a heart attack in his sleep, and died. He woke up as a kitten.

He slept and played, played and slept. The milk was delicious.

It would have been great if only he hadn't remembered being human. Oh how he missed electronics! But when the TV broke (and he remembered perfectly how to repair it) he couldn't get the cover off with his paws.

When the human came to fix it, Carlos tried to help, but the human kept pushing him away. Over and over, Carlos tried to make the stupid human see that the power supply was singed. Look! There! That's the bit you need to replace.

And over and over again, the human grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and dumped him as far away as his arms would reach.

Then Carlos's human - the owner of the TV - left the room, and the repair man threw Carlos across the room.

He landed on his feet, of course, and ran under the sofa.

"I want to be human again!" he wailed.

But all the gods heard was, "Meow."